5 things I Love/Hate about the Holidays

Agent Butters
Agent Butters

Lucky for you, I have compiled a list of 5 things I like about this time of year. Also, I’ve listed 5 things I hate about this time of year. Enjoy.

    LOVE:

  • 5. Old ladies fist fighting over the last hot toy on Black Friday(that’s retail talk for the day after turkey day)
  • 4. Watching older kids not be able to tell their younger siblings that Santa’s not real. You know they’re dying to crush their little dreams.
  • 3. My Grammy’s stuffing. It might be mushy, gross, and quite possibly an E-Coli suspect, but goll darn it, I heart it.
  • 2. Giving someone a present that’s a fraction of the dollar amount they spent on you. Best part is they’ll think you feel bad so you’ll get them something great next year. HA not gonna happen. I could ride that train all my life. By the way I loved the I-pod you got me last year, is the macaroni picture I gave you still on your fridge?
  • 1. Charlie Brown Christmas Special. Is there anything that idealizes the Christmas spirit more than that? If there is, I don’t want to know about it.

    HATE:

  • 5. Holiday scented candles. Okay, I can live with the pumpkin pie and pine forest, but what exactly does fresh snow smell like? I cannot ever, EVER remember walking out side and saying, “Dang. I love the smell of snow.” Nobody in the history of the world has ever smelled snow and NOW they’ve managed to put it into wax form. There’s more, but I don’t have time.
  • 4. Shopping Mall Santa’s with REAL beards. Santa had a big huge bushy white beard. Just because you’re old and can grow facial hair does not mean you should ditch the fake beard. Real grey beard+big belly+red suit = craptacular Santa. I ain’t buying it.
  • 3. Fruit cake jokes. If fruit cakes are so horrible, hard and heavy, then why do they still make them? Somebody obviously likes them, or all the fruit cake companies would have been out of business years ago. So, shut up already.
  • 2. It’s a Wonderful life. Every year I just wish George would just jump off that bridge. Every Year. Well this is your year Georgie boy, you have nothing to live for, everyone hates you, you were a disappointment and an accident. So jump and end this perenial hell and jump you rat bastard.
  • 1. Snow Angels. What the #@$!. Where did this idea come from? Are all angels girls or whats the deal with them wearing dresses? (confused? think about it…what do the legs do? Thats right…it’s a dress). Where’s the halo? You can never make one with out the footprints leading away and besides, if there is an Angel in the snow that probably means it fell from Heaven and hit the ground. Nobody can survive a fall from that far up. You might as well add some ketchup to simulate the blood that gushed out upon impact kids.

Sincerely,
Agent suck on that Butters.