AGENT NAME: Steakums AKA: Mark Salisbury, A1, Captain SirloinAGE: seven days past the purchase date.
MODIS OPERANDI: Quick wit and shameless.
BACKGROUND: Agent Steakums was raised on organic nuts, berries, and free range chickens smack-dab in the middle of the Heartland. Sired by a Pastor and an Art Historian, young Steakums learned to find divine inspiration in the works of Jackson Pollack, M.C. Escher, and Hallmark greeting cards. Yet these talents provided little comfort in a series of ill-fated attempts to make his way in the world. First, his convent-ready version of “Whack a Deity” failed to gather interest at the ‘Up-With-Lutherans Unity Summit and Casserole Cook Off’. Then, he failed to correctly identify ‘Vishnu’ as the portly, squinting gentleman on the early Public-Access game show, ‘The God Lineup’. Though he seemed to ‘find himself’ as the ‘piano’ in a traveling Captain and Tennille Musical Review for the deaf, he finally gave up all pretense and came out of the closet as the REAL ‘Steve Sanders’, on whom the hapless Ian Ziering character of ‘Beverly Hills, 90210’ was based.But as “Beverly Hills, 90210” morphed into “Melrose Place”, Agent Steakums realized the mockery he had become. He determined that he would not allow his ‘search for meaning’ to be bound by social constructions (like genus-homo-erectus or DNA) and came out of the closet again – this time as a quality piece of meat.
In those rare moments when he is not singing the praises of an Atkins diet to his medium, he can be found water-boarding a well-done slab of tofu.
ADDITIONAL PROJECTS: Research Assistant – Center for Research on Undergraduate Education, Doctoral Student, The University of Iowa