How to Win a War…200 years ago

Agent Butters
Agent Butters

Since Independence Day was just a short time ago, I’ve been watching a lot of revolutionary war type TV programs and movies. After after much research, I believe I could have won that war (well, all wars up until probably the end of the Civil War) in a matter of weeks. “Butters”, you say. “How can you be so sure and what makes you think your so great?” Well, I can tell you what would have ended the bloody conflicts so fast in one simple word: Midgets. A battalion of midgets would have mopped up the British in no time flat. It’s very simple to figure out if you put it all together.

The Revolutionary War was fought in open fields. This, of course, was a couple years before the invention of the lawnmower, so the grass was tall. A small battalion of midgets could have marched right up to the enemy line almost completely unnoticed in the tall grass of the battlefield. Once they get right in front of the Redcoats, their true tactical advantage really comes into play.

As you may or may not know the typical (and really only available) weapon of the British at the time was a musketloader. The Musketloader works by packing some gunpowder into the barrel, then generaly a piece of wading goes in next to create a seal so no energy is lost when the powder ignites. Then, the bullet is put into the barrel. The projectile of the time was a round lead bullet. So, as the british go to take aim at the much lower target, they have to point their guns down causing gravity to take over as their round projectile rolls right back out the barrel. This leaves the British to fire what has now become just a blank.

So, in review, the Midget Brigade sneaks up through the tall grass, the British go to aim down at them and their ammo rolls out and the British don’t even get a hit.


General Agent Butters – 9th infantry “the Demon Dwraves”